I haunt Reddit a bit and follow r/AskMenOver30 and r/AskMenOver40. A common question I see from younger men: “What would you have done different in your 20s/30s?” or “What advice would you give to someone in their 20s/30s?” I love answering this question. After doing so a bunch of times I figured that I should write a blog post about it so that I can re-share easily.
I think I have an amazing life. I’m financially secure; I have a job that is challenging and I like (as much as I could ever like a job); I have an amazing wife who I get along with well and we communicate well; I have family that I love and they love me; I have a variety of friends and acquaintances (more important than I once admitted); I am able to freely travel the world (and like it more than I did in my youth); I have a multitude of interests, access to unlimited knowledge (thank you internet people!), and time to pursue those interests with the hope that someday I have even more time. I truly have everything I could dream of. Of course there’s always more. I am human. I didn’t always have all of this and I had struggles getting here. I do realize that I’m highly privileged and that has helped me get here easier. However, I hope even those of you that life kicks the crap out of are able to get back up and keep trying. The trying is the hard but crucial part. Never give up. Never surrender.
I get that what I’m about to say isn’t easy. In fact I think life isn’t really meant to be. WIth that said I don’t think it should always be hard. What I think we should focus on is reducing recovery times in all aspects of our lives. We should absolutely have some sort of recovery time for just about everything we experience. Seeking balance is crucial in life. And life isn’t simple. So it’s going to be hard but what’s the fun in doing something easy anyway? On to my advice for a good life. 🚀
1. Learn How To Build Habits 🔁🔁🔁
This is core for me. The “how” isn’t complicated. You just have to do the thing consistently. Remind yourself however works for you. For me it’s been a combo of alarms to wake up at a consistent time, Google task reminders to remind me to do the thing, Google calendar events to remind me to do the thing, post-it notes to remind me to do the thing. A key part for me was to ensure to do the thing every damned day. That was my mantra when I started exercising “every damned day.” Acknowledge it’s not easy but get up and do it anyway. Even if you have to half ass it. Half an ass is better than no ass. Do the thing.
Despite the “how” being uncomplicated, the actual “doing” is harder than heck. What’s with that? I guarantee you can get past it but there is definitely something in our brains that causes extra resistance in doing new habits. I guess being creatures of habit we have resistance to changing those habits. That might sound like bad news but we are 100% capable of turning that to our advantage. We can make new habits and once you teach yourself to do this it is extremely powerful.
They say it takes an average of 2 months to form a new habit. Or much longer because… people are all different and each habit is different. What I’ve found is that there comes a point where you just automatically do the thing without much resistance and when you don’t do the thing there is resistance. You miss it. I think it probably took me a year to form the habit of exercising “every damned day” but now, 3 years later if I don’t do it in the morning I feel a bit off. I miss it. Which is super weird for me to say because I really hated exercise growing up.
Try a small new habit and make some notes about how long it takes to get to the point of missing it when you don’t do it. Do the thing consistently for at least a few weeks before trying to go without. Consistency is the key. That’s what makes the habit a habit. It’s amazing we are capable of controlling this.
2. Exercise 💪💪💪
I always knew I needed to exercise. I always wanted more muscle and less fat ever since my 20s when I started getting a belly. I still have a damned belly but I feel so much better now that I exercise consistently. I did lose around 40 lbs when I got serious a few years ago and I seem to be at a plateau that I can’t break without starving myself or somehow finding time to do a lot more activity. I also refuse to do things that are more extreme like jogging. It’s just too rough on my body and I’m ok enough with the body I have. I’m now focusing more on strength training so that I can improve my muscle mass and survive old age more easily. Muscle mass is really hard to maintain and it doesn’t get easier with age. Cardio, strength training, and protein.
💪 Exercise “every damned day”. Sometimes I have to say that in my head really really loud to get to it. Some days I am tired and don’t do it (light yoga or stretching is good too). I usually miss it but rest is important. Try your best to do active rest but listen to your body. Make sure to get back to it as soon as possible. New habits, especially easy ones, creep in fast.
🔁 So much falls into place after you dedicate yourself to daily exercise. You’re prioritizing your body and therefore your health which means it’s easier to convince yourself to do more good things for your body like eating well. You also learn your body. You get an understanding of what parts are weaker than others; what parts need special treatment. Learn how to care for these parts. Self maintenance and hygiene are crucial things to learn.
🤯 Exercise helps you learn your body and deep knowledge of your body can help you minimize physical pain. Learn how to alleviate your pain. Hopefully without medication but I get that isn’t possible for everyone. It’s not possible for me though I chased it for many years. Before getting on medication for the nerve pain and muscle tension caused the many bulging discs in my back, I spent 3+ years learning about my body and how to minimize pain and recover from injury. I have a lot of back pain – lumbar nerves into my ribs, sciatica (gone), neck inflammation, shoulder pain, a thing called crepitus (not actually painful but most of my joints are crunchy – snap, crackle, pop, yo), and tendonitis in my wrists and forearms (lovely for a guitarist to have). I tend to be a ball of tension and inflammation. I know many people have this and I think we internally normalize this. I know I did for years. “Everyone has pain and many people have more than me.” That’s what echoed in my head forever. I tried chiropractors and acupuncture. The only thing that really worked was exercise. Then finally gabapentin kicked out a bit of the nerve pain. I still have pain all the time but it’s more manageable. It’s in our design, I’m afraid.
👩🔬 With that said, if you hurt, please seek guidance from professionals. I would suggest physical therapy (PT). It’s what finally broke me through to less pain. I get PT is super expensive and I wish there were more affordable options for personal guidance. In lieu of hands-on treatment we are fortunate enough to be in a world where information flows very freely. Check out Bob and Brad, the most famous physical therapists on the internet. They have a treasure trove of PT knowledge they’ve shared for free. There’s a ton of other YouTubers with great PT info as well. Make sure to listen to folks with actual accreditation and education in the field. There’s a lot of bad info out there. Even if you don’t have pain (who are you even?) then you should learn PT concepts as they can help you recover faster from injury (or even just sore/stiff muscles).
🫗 Hydrate. Drink as much water as you can (within reason, don’t be silly). It’s going to make you pee more. That’s a good thing despite the annoyance. You need to flush out uric and lactic acid that builds up in your body. It helps reduce inflammation (my best bud ☠️). You may want to slow down after dinner so that you don’t have to pee so much at night. But chug it during the day!
☕❌ On that note consider getting off caffeine. It might be hurting you more than helping. If you drink caffeine frequently then try without for a couple of months. At the end of that time make some notes on what’s different. You might sleep better, be less irritable, and focus better. I was a heavy Mtn Dew drinker and am so glad I got off it. Too much extra calories and too much energy fluctuations. WIth that said it can also be helpful but I urge you to reduce it as much as possible. Lots of folks out in the world that have a heavy caffeine addiction and that additional stress on yourself isn’t necessary. There are other ways to wake up your body. Primarily… exercise! 💪
🚶Try to get up and move for 5 minutes every half hour. I use a pomodoro 🍅 timer to help me do this. Sometimes it’s just bathroom break, walk around a little, and snack on some fruits and nuts 🐿️. Toss in some exercise a few times a day to flush out that shit in your body. Take a moment to destress. Do something you like (away from your workstation). I like to toss in 5 minutes of guitar here and there or just drink some water and stare out the window to get some sunlight and nature in my eyes. If you can get an adjustable standing desk to spend some part of the day standing then that’s great too. Whatever you can do to get in some movement throughout the day is crucial. It’s surprisingly easy for your body to be affected by too little motion (sedentary mode). It’s hard to do because work demands our focus. But the breaks let us focus more deeply and with less stress. Move it.🕺
3. Eat Well 🍲
This comes a lot more naturally when you have the foundation of exercise. You just want to eat more healthily. I’m not going to go on about this too much. Just eat as healthy as you are comfortable with and push that comfort level periodically. Try new foods when you can. Get as much variety in your diet as you can. Snack on fruits and nuts, eat yogurt, eat as much protein as you can (0.8 grams per kg or 0.4 per lb of your target body weight — that’s 65g for a 180lb goal – that’s a lot of protein!) Processed foods are trash. Yeah they taste good and you can have them sometimes but you’ll find you don’t like them as much once you’ve built the habit of eating well. Do it.
4. 👯Socialize🤢
This was a tough one for me to learn. I’ve always been really introverted but friendly. I don’t like group activities. I don’t really like being around people other than my wife. But I need it and… I actually do like it? It’s very confusing. I think for extroverts it is easier. They want to hang out with people and talk or do whatever. I like silence and solitude. I need silence and solitude. But… I also need to interact with people and not just my coworkers and wife. During COVID times my stress was high. Everyone’s was. We self isolated as much as possible. I worked at home and there really wasn’t any reason for me to risk getting deathly ill. I didn’t go out much. For a long time. It was just me and my wife. We get along famously but the lack of interaction with people added a lot of stress. It’s weird because I don’t like it but need it.
I made it a point to try more. I joined Toastmasters 🥂 for a short period and got over the hump of public speaking. It still makes me nervous but I care less about that now – it makes most people nervous and it’s less noticeable than you think it is. I didn’t care to perfect it more because I had enough opportunities at work to present to small groups. I didn’t care to be some professional orator. I just needed to do it so that I was less nervous about it. Despite working from home, I do have to communicate with people and I do need to be able to handle stressful situations without ruminating about them for days.
I didn’t really like Toastmasters. Maybe it was just my antisocial side but I didn’t really connect with people there. They were super nice and extremely helpful. I would suggest everyone try something like it. Definitely worth it but I needed something different. Thanks to Stranger Things I remembered that once upon a time I really liked D&D stuff 🎲🧙♂️. I didn’t have many chances to play with people because it was really hard to find people who liked it in the 80s and 90s because there was such a strong stigma against it. Fortunately my parents didn’t fall for the false propaganda. They encouraged my interest in it. Most of my exposure was through books and video games because it was so hard to find others to play with. But now there’s internet and now there’s so many people into D&D. It’s really cool. I had a tough time finding a group through Discord that I liked so I created my own Discord server and have made a bunch of friends as well as provided people with a safe space to play with like minded people. We’ve had 3+ years of good times on that server now. It’s been amazing.
D&D is an excellent social skills builder despite some of the socially-challenged people it tends to bring out of the woodwork. It’s a great place to work on speaking to groups (DMing). It’s a great place to exercise creativity, work on conflict resolution, practice compassion, express yourself in new ways, do math (though most of us still struggle to add up dice rolls for some reason), practice writing, and practice reading comprehension. And by putting yourself out there and goofing around you end up making friends, laughing, and having an amazing time.
5. Learn As Much As Possible 📚📚📚
Holy moly there’s a ton of free resources out there. I can learn things like Physics from free online courses and videos. The internet has been both a blessing and a curse. Use tools for good and learn stuff. Dedicate a significant amount of your time to learning. Pick a skill and try it. Try another and another and another. Don’t be held back by “I won’t like that.” If you didn’t try it out then you really don’t know if you like it or not. And.. because we’re creatures of habit, trying something new is uncomfortable the first few times. You have to try something new a few times often. Give it a shot. Be open to the challenge. Life is about experiences. Collect as many as you can.
If you’ve learned how to build habits you now can form this habit. Read. Watch. Do. It’s amazing. I’m into about 10 different interests and learning to focus in a bit more on them. I can’t wait for the day when I have more time to do them all.
Also learn how you learn. It’s something we often neglect. Many folks learn this in school but some of us less scholarly students might miss it. I did a bit. Sure I knew how to make acronyms and mnemonic devices but I rarely actually used them. I was lucky that I could reason my way through most topics without much rote memorization. However, learning how to memorize is extremely helpful. If I’d focused on it more during school I would have excelled more and it would be easier for me to learn things now (the stuff I want to learn). I believe that how you learn is a bit personal so I encourage you to read on the topic and develop your learning muscles. Exercise your mind! 💪 🧠
On That Note
I think that’s all the general advice I have. It’s helped me a ton and a framework for how I strive to live. I’m not perfect and don’t always do these things. But I continue to try. Ultimately that’s all we can do – try and practice. If we keep trying then we will make progress. Make sure to gently keep pushing your comfort zone in all of these areas.
I hope this is helpful to folks. Live well and be happy.
